WE OFTEN THINK of manual stimulation as a stop on the way to intercourse, but in a tantric practice known as lingam massage, stroking the penis with the hands is the main event. This sexual activity encourages people to slow down in the bedroom and give or receive touch without an end goal—besides experiencing pleasure, that is.
“Lingam” is the Sanskrit word for “phallus” or “penis,” explains Markie Twist, a sex educator, therapist, and faculty member at Antioch University New England Couple and Family Therapy programs. "Lingam" is also sometimes translated as “masculine energy,” “wand of light,” or “distinguished symbol of power,” according to sexologist and sex therapist Nicoletta Heidegger.
“A lingam massage has come to be known as a sensual and energetically-infused massage of the penis and the surrounding landscape," Heidegger says. (That "surrounding landscape" includes the balls, pelvis, and perineum.)
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What are the benefits of lingam massage?
Some benefits of engaging in lingam massage include increased connection between partners, relief from pressure to achieve an erection or orgasm, more prolonged or powerful orgasms, and exploration of different sensations, Twist says. "While this massaging is often sexual, the goal is not necessarily to experience an orgasm through the practice,” Twist adds.
A person doesn't need a rock-hard erection to receive a lingam massage. “You can do it on a hard or soft penis, so it is a way to explore pleasure with the penis in its natural state,” Heidegger explains. “Remember, a soft penis is an awesome penis! Some practitioners may follow a specific approach, but for me, the goal is simply pleasure and connection.”
How to give a lingam massage
A lingam massage can be broken down into several steps.
1. Talk about it in advance.
Before engaging in a lingam massage, Heidegger recommends asking each other questions like:
♥ “How do you want to feel?”
♥ "What are your expectations?”
♥ "How will I know if you are enjoying it?”
♥ “How will I know if there is something you don’t like?”
Dainis Graveris, certified sex educator, relationship coach, and founder of SexualAlpha, also recommends discussing any boundaries either of you have. Someone might be comfortable receiving touch on one part of their body but not another, and all parties will be more comfortable if those ground rules are established from get-go.
2. Set the scene.
In order to optimize pleasure and relaxation, create a sensual, romantic scene. “Create a comfortable environment by setting the mood with soft lighting, relaxing music, and a warm temperature,” Graveris suggests. Make sure that your hands and your partner’s genitals are clean, as well as the sheets.
You will want to have water- or silicon-based lube on hand for massaging the perineum or penis, Twist says. You also might consider using lubricated condoms around the penis if either of you feels most comfortable practicing safer sex this way.
3. Massage the whole body.
While the penis is the focus of a lingam massage, the massager will want to start out by touching the rest of the body. “Start by massaging the entire body to help the person relax and unwind,” Graveris advises. For body parts outside the genitals, you can use massage oil, says Heidegger. (Or a massage candle!)
4. Massage around the penis.
Once the receiver is warmed up, the giver can start massaging closer to the genitals. “This is typically done slowly,” Twist says. “In fact, sometimes, erection of the lingam can occur even just through this light touch-like massaging of the areas surrounding it, like the inner thighs." From there, the giver can massage the testicles and the perineum, "before massaging from the bottom of the phallic shaft and ending at the head.”
5. Stroke the penis.
For the penis massage itself, Heidegger recommends “body mapping,” where you try out different sensations, have your partner say what they like best, and then continue with their favorite types of touch. “Try different speeds, pressures, locations, and parts of your hand, arms, or body to see what you both like and feel comfortable with,” she says.
You can also experiment with long strokes, gentle strokes, circular motions, and light squeezing, says Graveris, adding that one might start with the shaft and then focus increasingly on the head. “Pay attention to the person's responses and adjust your techniques accordingly.”
Heidegger adds that as long as everyone is into it, there is no right or wrong way to give a lingam massage. “Just like we massage the rest of our bodies in different ways to feel a variety of sensations, the same can be true for genital massages,” she says. “Have fun with it at first and have your initial massage be more of an exploratory journey to see what feelings and sensations arise.”
Remember that there is no goal or timeline; simply be present and do whatever brings you both pleasure. “Enjoy each moment, breathe into the experience, and use lubrication as needed,” Twist advises.
6. Massage the rest of the body again.
When the receiver of the massage is ready to wind down, you can wrap up the experience with a soothing body massage, Graveris says. “Allow the person to relax and enjoy the sensations.”
How to talk about lingam massage with your partner
If lingam massage is something that interests you, Twist suggests asking your partner whether they’re interested in tantra, or massage in general. “If they have interest, you might want to share your interest in this particular kind of massage,” she says. For those who want to explore lingam massage in greater depth, Heidegger recommends exploring Beducated’s sensual massage courses.
You can also mention this article when bringing this up with your partner, Heidegger points out, suggesting the following script: “Hey babe, I was reading this interesting article about genital massage and it sounded cool. I would love to make you feel good. I think it sounds pleasurable to have, and I’d like to try it out. It's so sexy when you’re down to try new things with me!”
However you bring it up with a partner, “assure them that their boundaries and preferences are important to you,” Graveris says. “Mention the benefits of a lingam massage, like relaxation and increased intimacy. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings about it, too.”
Suzannah Weiss is a freelance writer, certified sex educator, and sex/love coach whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, New York Magazine, and more
