VISIBILITY OF gender non-conforming people has surged in recent years, thanks to the ongoing efforts of gender justice activists and broader media representation. Despite escalating anti-trans laws and rhetoric, more people are embracing gender terms that authentically describe how they feel, but for some of us, that language might feel unfamiliar.
A 2021 Pew Research Center survey found that one in five U.S. adults knows someone who’s nonbinary—so what exactly does “nonbinary” mean, and how can we support the nonbinary people in our lives? Here’s what you need to know about nonbinary identity.
What does it mean to be nonbinary?
“‘Nonbinary’ is an umbrella term for anyone who doesn't feel their gender falls into either woman or man as discrete categories,” says psychologist Dr. Liz Powell. The term has no bearing on how a person looks; while some nonbinary people might feel at home in an outwardly androgynous expression, others may not. “Nonbinary” describes how a person feels in their heart and mind.
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"Many of my earliest memories are based around my struggle to conform to a gender," says Tom, 41. "At four years old, I understood that I wasn't supposed to 'walk like a girl.' No one had told me that. I just absorbed it from observing how others were behaving. Left to my own conclusions, I'm honestly not sure if I would have committed to a gender at all."
How is being nonbinary different from being transgender?
Being nonbinary is sometimes conflated with being trans. Nonbinary people (also known as "enby" people or "enbies," from the abbreviation N.B.) exist under the transgender umbrella, as they do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. While there are overlaps between the two identities, they are not the same; some people may identify as trans and nonbinary, while others may feel that only one of those descriptors applies to them. Much like the rest of the trans community, nonbinary people remain underrepresented in mainstream culture and media, which is why they’re often misunderstood.
"Everyone reacts to [nonbinary people] as if this is a brand new phenomenon," Tom says. "When actually, we've been here the whole time, but we’ve been ignored or shamed into hiding... For most of my life, I considered myself to be a gay male, because it was the best fit from the available options. For those who already survived the fear and stigma of coming out as gay long ago, there's this additional anxiety about reliving all of that, or seeming confused about who you are, or seeking attention to be 'trendy.' It's so much easier to just wear the ill-fitting shoe, because it already got you this far.
"I have found there is much more support and patience in the trans community than among gay men, in terms of helping everyone feel desirable and valid," they add. "You can show up as your entire self, and that brings new sexual thresholds, new relationships, and a much more optimistic—or maybe just realistic—outlook about the future of gender and sexuality."
What are nonbinary pronouns?
Nonbinary people might use gender-neutral pronouns like “they/them/theirs” or “ze/hir/hirs,” or they might use pronouns that are typically associated with a binary gender, like “he/him/his” or “she/her/hers.” Some nonbinary people are comfortable with multiple sets of pronouns, and others might not want to be associated with any gender pronouns at all (in that case, you’d just use the person’s name). Every nonbinary person is different, so it’s important to ask for a person’s pronouns instead of assuming.
“Pronouns don't necessarily tell you someone's gender, just like someone's gender doesn't necessarily tell you their pronouns,” Dr. Powell explains. “For people who are nonbinary, their pronouns are about what feels most aligned for them, which may or may not make sense to other people.”
For nonbinary people, embracing pronouns that feel right to them can be empowering. When Amandine, 34, started using “they/them” pronouns, they found that it made a profound difference in their life.
"I started to love myself, even though it is an ongoing thing," they say. "I still have a long way to go, but it’s starting to feel very right, and that is the best thing. My whole life makes sense now. I don't feel right using ‘she/her,’ because that's part of why I don't feel good. But at the same time, I know I am not a man. I want to be true to myself and not pretend I am who I am not; therefore, ‘he/him’ aren't viable pronouns for me. ‘They/them’ are neutral, and they are the best. The first time people used [those pronouns for me], it felt as weird as it did right. It felt so good."
Celebrities who have come out as nonbinary
In recent years, several public figures have expressed that they identify as nonbinary. Some of the most prominent examples are singer Sam Smith, who has spoken in interviews about feeling "just as much a woman" as a man; hairstylist and performer of Queer Eye fame, Jonathan Van Ness; singer Janelle Monáe; and The Last of Us star Bella Ramsey.
Singer Demi Lovato goes by both “she/her” and “they/them” pronouns, having said: "I feel that this best represents the fluidity I feel in my gender expression and allows me to feel most authentic and true to the person I both know I am and still am discovering."
Other actors who have spoken publicly about their nonbinary identity include Asia Kate Dillon (Billions, John Wick Chapter 3), Nico Tortorella (Younger), and Indya Moore, who is best known for playing a trans woman on the critically acclaimed drama series Pose, but identifies as nonbinary.
There are also a number of nonbinary artists and performers who explore gender identity in their work, including RuPaul's Drag Race stars Bob the Drag Queen, Adore Delano, Shea Couleé, and Sasha Velour.
What are the signs I might be nonbinary?
There is no one single definition of what it means to be nonbinary: the label might feel different depending on the person, and some might resist the idea of being categorized entirely.
"In my experience as a mental health professional, people who identify as nonbinary often describe feeling their gender in two main ways—feeling like they exist between the binaries of male and female, or existing beyond the binary or consuming the gender continuum entirely," says therapist Jor-El Carabello, LMHC. "Often, exploration can look like a process, and I think it's important that people recognize that understanding yourself and your gender has to be done on your own time and your own way."
How do I come out as nonbinary?
Once you’ve figured out that “nonbinary” is a term that fits you, Carabello advises taking care with how you begin to share that information.
"We can't overstate how important it is to be seen as your true self and how vulnerable that can make you feel," he says. "I often recommend clients start with a close friend or generally supportive figure first. This could be a good friend, a partner, parent, or teacher... or even a therapist. It can help ease you into a process of exploring this part of your identity to others in a lower risk space before you figure out how you'd like to—and if you want to—share your [identity] with others more widely."
Unfortunately, given the discrimination that gender non-conforming people can face, you should also take your safety into account. “If coming out will put you in danger in terms of housing, financial security, or physical safety, make sure you take care of yourself first,” Dr. Powell says.
You should also consider how much education you’re willing to do and set boundaries accordingly. “Most cis people have very little knowledge and understanding of nonbinary people and will need to do a lot of learning in order to be affirming, but that doesn't mean that you have to be the person to educate them,” Dr. Powell says. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources you can share with friends, family, and coworkers. If you’ve adopted “they/them” pronouns, A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns makes an excellent gift for learning loved ones.
Finally, make sure you know what you’re going to need in order to feel respected. “How much space do you have for them to struggle with your pronouns, a new chosen name, or your gender identity? If they refuse to honor your requests, what does that mean for you? Figure out your boundaries and be ready to stick to them,” Dr. Powell says.
How can I support people in my life who are coming out as nonbinary?
If you have a friend, family member, partner, or coworker who has come out as nonbinary, take initiative to educate yourself.
“I get why cis folks want nonbinary people to teach them about what being nonbinary means, but that's a lot of pressure on the person who's already societally marginalized,” Dr. Powell says. “There are millions of online resources about nonbinary identity, so start there.”
You might be used to using a certain name, pronouns, or gender terms that no longer align with your loved one’s identity. Your brain might struggle to switch up the language at first, so you’re going to have to practice.
“Practice talking about them out loud using their new pronouns and name, ask a buddy to help you practice, say it in the mirror, type it over and over—whatever it takes for you to put in the work without them around,” Dr. Powell says.
If you make a mistake, whether that’s in front of your nonbinary loved one or in front of others, quickly correct yourself and apologize. "When I talk about misgendering, my recommendation is often 'apologize, adjust, and move on,'" Carabello says. That might look like saying, “Have you met Alex? She—sorry, they—live next door.” Don’t apologize repeatedly and beg for the nonbinary person’s forgiveness—show that you’re making an effort without making a scene.
"I think it's most critical for others to work very hard at honoring someone's pronouns (this practice also reduces suicidality by about 50% for transgender youth) with some acknowledgement that we all make mistakes from time to time,” Carabello says. “But it's important to make a concerted effort."
Finally, be willing to have hard conversations with people in your life who misunderstand nonbinary people. “People who are either bigoted or uninformed generally won't listen to trans and nonbinary people talk about their own issues and experiences, so it's on you to talk to them,” Dr. Powell says. “Challenge their bigoted ideas and statements, and make sure they know that you're not someone they can say that stuff around. Will it be awkward and uncomfortable? Probably! But allies do the hard stuff, not just the easy stuff.”
If someone tells you they’re nonbinary, that’s a sign that they want you to let you in, and their vulnerability deserves support and celebration. To learn more about how you can support nonbinary people, check out PFLAG, the National Center for Transgender Equality, and the Trans Legislation Tracker.
Ro White is a Chicago-based writer, sex educator, and Autostraddle’s Sex & Dating Editor.
