I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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My fiancé and I (both Christian men) are waiting until our wedding night to have sex together. Up until this relationship, the only experiences we have had sexually are those of quick hookups that lack any sort of romance or passion. What can we do to turn up the romance to 11 and bring passionate hours-long lovemaking, as opposed to a quick romp in bed? How do we prepare as a soon-to-be-married couple for sex for the first time with each other that first night? There are not a lot of resources online about preparing for your wedding night as a gay couple, especially when you both come from strict religious backgrounds. Please send help!
— Wedding Night Worries
Dear Wedding Night Worries,
Congratulations on getting married! You must be so excited—not just to tie the knot with your fiancé, but also to finally bone!
I can feel how badly you want to make this the best sexual experience imaginable, but I think you need to put less weight on this one night. You know what kills the mood when you're having sex with someone for the first time? Pressure! Not to mention that the first time you have sex with someone, you don’t know their body intimately. You often need to have sex a few times before it “gets good.”
Another reason to let go of your expectations? They're just not that realistic. I reached out to some married friends, and they all told me the same thing: They were exhausted after their wedding. Two couples told me they didn’t even have sex; they just opened presents and passed out together. And these were hetero couples. Will you or your husband want to bottom after a night of consuming steak, cake, and shots? Will you really want to spend 20 minutes in the bathroom douching?
Instead of expecting your wedding night to be the best sex of your life, think of it as the first step in a long sexual journey. You have the rest of your lives to have toe-curling, lovemaking marathons. (Counterintuitively, releasing yourself from the pressure to have passionate hours-long lovemaking might actually make your sexual experience more pleasurable, because you won't be so damn stressed!)
With all of that said, here are some tips to make wedding-night sex as pleasurable as possible, with input from my married friends. The first tip is for before the wedding: If your wedding party is getting ready in the same place you and your husband are going to be sleeping that night—say, a hotel room—make sure it isn't a total mess before you leave! Coming home to a pile of clothes on the bed and sticky, half-drunk glasses of champagne everywhere might kill the mood.
If you're into sex toys, consider leaving a few options charged and at arm’s length from the bed. Toys are designed to maximize sexual pleasure, and they're a huge help if you're struggling to get or sustain an erection (it can happen when you're nervous, or when you're simply too tired). If your penis isn't cooperating, insertive toys like dildos, butt plugs, and anal beads can come in handy.
Third, remember that sex isn’t over just because you came. I can’t tell you how many questions I get about premature ejaculation being the sex columnist at Men’s Health, and my answer is always the same: Why is sex over just because you came? You still have a mouth and hands. You can still jerk off your partner, eat him out, finger his bootyhole, or blow him. Then, when your refractory period is over, you can go again.
Honestly, I could fill an entire book with sex tips—and I already have! You should check out Men's Health Best. Sex. Ever.: 200 Frank, Funny & Friendly Answers About Getting It On. Not only is it very inclusive of queer male sex, but the book also provides countless sex tips and scripts for communicating sexually with your partner. Plus, it's all about pursuing sexual pleasure without shame, which may be helpful given your strict religious backgrounds.
Lastly, remember it's okay to skip sex if you're both too tired—or if you'd rather cuddle instead. You can literally have sex the next day after a full night's rest.
